wake up

Creativity is a violent process. Some creative force wakes you up one day and you have an idea. And so you create, a place a world a vision that's never existed before. An uncontrollable surge of creative energy that could only have come from the Universe. The Universe owns you and you create create create something new, it causes awe and fear, really. People are afraid of you because they don't know where this... creation came from. Where do your ideas come from? The Universe, a force of nature that you cannot describe or harness or begin to explain.

married with children

Lately I've been finding out that a lot of people my age that I went to high school with are getting married/divorced/engaged. Most of them are not in college. Correlation? Maybe. But I can say that I cannot imagine being the age I am at the stage I am and being married. I cannot even handle being in a relationship right now. But that's just me.

crooked or straight, my guy's an 8

I am falling in love with gay men again. No more going to the club and dancing with strangers that want more than just a friendly dance. No more bullshit because they tell you like it is. No more. I am completely straight and head over heels for every boy/man/she I met tonight.

Someone gave me their phone number tonight on a $1 bill, and I know he wasn't interested in me in that way. And I haven't felt this good in awhile. Thank you, Tommy. Maybe I will call you for a good time.

amy

This is my friend Daniel Manuel Soliz. Or, as we like to call him, Amy Winehouse.

everything I wrote was true because I believed in what I saw

lead, more than just a pencil tip

America continues to pride itself on being leaders of the world. What no one questions is, should we lead? and are we even capable of leading?

"What no one questions is the certainty that we are capable of, indeed accustomed to, exercising such leadership, and, more basically still, that our ideals as a nation entitle us to do so."

Foreign affairs are important. Maintaining relationships with other countries for reasons of security and trade are necessary. However, when our idea of leading transforms into imposing our cultural and moral beilefs onto another country, I think we've gone too far. War in Iraq, too far. Exportation of fast food, too far.

We don't need to lead to be the best. And we don't have to be the best at everything. Look at the state of our economy. We can't cover that up, or pretend to be the best anymore.

I say we, and I mean America, the country of my birth. However, it is becoming more and more difficult for me to identify myself with a country I am not proud of.

mark it

I am in an intro business class, one I am taking just to fulfill my gen-ed requirement. This morning on my walk to class I was thinking about marketing in society today.

Recently, new marketing measures have been developed to allow producers to connect with consumers on a new level. Since World War 2 there has been a large paradigm shift that has led to customization of products and an increase of options for consumers.

Makes for a pretty muddled world. Yea, a lot to choose from, but what do we choose?

wanna be a rockstar

I'm reading and article entitled Top 10 Teen Heartthrobs and this is one of them:


David Cassidy, lovin' life as a teen idol.





But the #1 teen idol(s) of all time, and this was the reasoning:


Face it, the Beatles are the best. They popularized the mop-top, they led the British invasion, and they still hold the record for most Number 1 singles of all time (20). Between 1964 and 1970, a Beatles song occupied the No. 1 spot on Billboard charts for a total of 58 weeks. At concerts, the teenage hysterics got so bad that the group couldn't hear themselves play. In 1966, the band couldn't take Beatlemania anymore and decided to stop touring. And then something amazing happened: they released experimental, eclectic albums and turned into rock 'n' roll legends.

All good reasons, I think. I mean, it is easy to get swept up into Beatlemania. It's easier to write them off as teen idols. However, the Beatles did not stop at that. I'm not saying they are my favorite band by any means, but they are undeniably versatile.

Want to be a teen idol? Then you want to be a rockstar first.

great news for the future

This from an article in Time Magazine: "America is trussed up with Disney tie-ins, so it's no surprise that Stateside fans, should they choose, can watch HSM the movie while eating HSM candy, then scrub up with HSM hand sanitizer before going to sleep under an HSM duvet. But Disney's global marketing strategy, combined with its embrace of a range of technologies to reach various regions and audiences, has ensured that HSM's reach stretches far beyond America's shores. 'It's genius,' says Michael Gubbins, editor of Screen International, the London-based industry magazine, of Disney's HSM marketing strategy. 'They've understood that TV is a way to get into people's heads, and that the Internet is a way to enrich that, and that cinema is a place to add to that excitement. It shows exactly the way franchises are going to be built in the future.'... As the Disney song observes, it's a small world. High School Musical is making it even smaller."


More to come for future generations. Apparently we haven't hit bottom yet.

let down

This past week we had a week long break from school. I had many goals and aspirations for this break.

My house is very dirty. My roommate has a giant dog. Meet Odysseus, Odie for short.
It sheds and smells and sits on the furniture and chews things. He is a cute dog, but is a boy and therefore difficult to live with sometimes. While roommate and Odie were gone in St. Louis over fall break, I thought it would be a good time to clean the house in their absence. My mom even bought me a broom and dust pan. Didn't get done.

This semester has not been filled with a lot of silly, busy work for me. I got to class and take notes, but I don't have much class to class homework that fills up my week. However, I do have two very large research projects due towards the end of the semester for two of my English classes. Among other requirements are 10-12 page papers for each. Fall break, hey, I'll get a head start while I'm not busy so I don't get caught off guard when I'm stuck working on both at the same time. Oh, just kidding, didn't get done.

What did I do with my week? I worked to make a buck and hung out with friends. Spent more money than I should have and didn't even go anywhere. A week off school to give back to the community, to clean house, do homework. I did none of these things. It's the end of the week, and at the end of the week I feel like a let down, disappointment to myself, and failure.

terrible, no good, very bad mood

I have been in a very terrible mood lately, a perpetual bad mood that has been here for a few days. Some work stuff has got me in a funk, it makes me pretty mad to even think about it. I wish work didn't affect my life but it does. My problems with work have affected other aspects of my life.
Yesterday I was out of hand, complaining nonstop, taking it out on others, becoming agitated by every little thing. I could not calm down. I wish work was just work and that's it. I wish it did not spill over into the rest of my life.
A day away from work kind of helped. I realize that an entire week filled with work drama is stress entering my life from a source where there should not be drama or stress. Today I took time to relax. Relax, I told myself. Relax with my family and watch my talented sister play soccer. Relax with my friends and pick pumpkins. Relax, take it easy.
There's school in the morning and more work to be done.

religulous

Just as Claire is feeling better, I got sick. In order to keep balance on Earth and in the Universe, there must be a balance of feeling. Happiness, pain, sadness, sickness, health. There must always be a balance. I might be happy, but someone down the street must be sad. I may be sick, but someone in India is completely healthy. There must always be balance. This might seem preposterous or a little far-fetched. But, as this may be true, I actually kind of believe it. I believe it because I don't want the World to explode or the Universe to fall into itself.

locket

Locker
Locked in
Locked in a locker
Locker
Lock her
Lock her in a locker

Locket
Lock it
Lock it in a locket

Fair
Fare
All's fair in love and war fare.


I love words.

In a weird mood today, obviously. I like spending time alone. I cannot grocery shop with people. I can not study with others. I need solitude sometimes in my life, and I enjoy it.
I'm starting to feel at home in my school-time house. When I'm away, I plan in my head what I'm going to do when I get home and in what order. I get excited about it.

the world is my oyster, but no pearls

I am Polish, 50% by birth. I identify myself with the Polish race because my last name, "Krolewicz" is visibly Polish, my father and his 6 siblings are all 100% Polish, their parents immigrated from Poland and met in Michigan. Beyond this, I know nothing about my heritage. Yet it is because of this that led me to Poland for spring break this past Spring.


When I first arrived at our hostel, the Orange Hostel, it was the day after a sleepover in the Dublin airport. I had been toting around a backpack stuffed to the brim with clothing and necessities for my 3 week trip that weighed what felt like a ton. We had gotten lost in a part of town that seemed deserted with street signs that all seemed to read the same to eyes that were unfamiliar with the language. To get lost, I might add, you must have some idea of where you are to begin with or where you're headed, of which I had neither. Leave the train station, go up, turn left then right then left then walk walk walk and do not get discouraged. An apartment building was the apparent home to our hostel, so we cautiously dragged ourselves up four flights of stairs in hopes that this truly was our destination. I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going, or how we had actually managed to find the hostel. In fact, what originally brought me to Poland was a rumor that cigarettes there were cheap. Go figure.

Go back a month or two when the plan became real because plane tickets were booked, then did I e-mail my Babushka to inquire where in Poland my family was from. Her response was short and vague. Somewhere near the Russian border. Maybe. Something with an "O". Possibly. She couldn't remember. My disappointment.

So when I arrived finally at the Orange Hostel in Krakow, all I could think was food, sit, lay, pee. Primal. We were greeted by a friendly girl speaking Polish.
Polish? I'm sorry, I don't speak Polish.
And honestly, I really was sorry. I was in a foreign country relying on the expectation, the hope, that everyone spoke English. I was one of those Americans, I was a tourist, and I was sorry. After glimpsing over my passport,
Kro-lev-ich, you are Polish?
Yes, yes I am, but feeling a weird mixture of guilt and ashamed because I don't speak Polish, don't know anything about the culture, don't feel Polish beyond my last name. I'm here for cigarettes and because I'm Polish. But am I really? Genetically, hereditarily speaking, yes.


My grandfather, my father's father, was a great man. He did a lot of wrong, but I knew him for the woods around his house and the giant tire swing and his eclectic collection of junk and the words he would speak that always seemed to have meaning to him but were just babbling to me. I heard him, but I didn't hear him. I didn't understand. He died during Christmas of my freshman year of college. If only I had listened, maybe now I would understand what it is to be Polish. It is more than love of perogies and big noses and kelbasa and "skis". It's more than "somewhere near the Russian border" but it's a part of me that will never be known to me.

I will continue to feel connected to Poland because I am still connected to my grandfather, even if it is only by name. But if it is only by name, then it is my own fault. I will not let my lack of language skills hinder me from exploring the world, because I feel it is mine to explore. At least I wasn't alone, I had Stephanie and Stephanie alone to talk to for our 5 day stay. I will not rely on others to make up for what I do not know, but I will not let that stop me. The world is my oyster.

walking the fine line

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.


Thank you, Kate Monster, I don't think anyone has said it quite this well before. I don't think I realized it, or admitted to myself before that it is over, we are done, it's over we're through. And I can blame you but I think mostly what I feel now is guilt. Don't want to drink to forget, or be sober to remember. I am vulnerable in this post, but I can't really think about anything else about these feelings. Disappointment, memories. I'm sad today.

its hard to accept that people change even though you still love them for who they were. but i love you and i know that might not be the same..you have good friends and you will meet knew people and places and he wont matter like he used to. it will take time so much time unfortunately

words of wisdom because I have wise friends. Friends I can learn from, that can teach me and help me grow.

lonely

A lonely boy's Jessie. A lonely boy's replacement for whoever they really want. A lonely boy's for now.

No more.

learning

I like class because I find I am learning a lot about myself. However, I do not like classes that waste my time, because effectually that is wasting my money. I am not one to skip class. Even if professors cancel classes I do not like it because I feel like I am missing out on knowledge... or at least a class that I paid for.

Mostly, I think school is just stealing my money. I want to be creative, but it seems like most of the time I am just bull shitting my way through to get a grade. Grades? Do I really think they demonstrate my intelligence, or are a good representation of what I've learned in the class? Mostly it's just being tested over stuff I'll forget immediately.

I don't know, right now I just feel like I'm wasting my time.

student 4 life

After being a student for so long, I wonder what schools will be like in a hundred years. What changes will our school system undergo in the next century? What poets and poems and concepts will students be studying, if they're even studying at all?

mourning in the morning

Today all I can think about is change. Things change, innocence is lost, things change. It must be the season. Fall=change=nostalgia for the past. This simple word equation is actually a complicated concept that perplexes me and occupies my daily thoughts. I remember a simpler time, but I think we've come too far and I've come too far to ever go back. I realize this and yet still struggle with it.

also, a link http://mjperry.blogspot.com/
copy and paste it if you want, it's not letting me do it correctly for some reason, whatever.



out of mind, out of sight
or
out of sight, out of mind
or neither

fashion designer

My new pink pack of Camel No. 9's (told you I can't stop) features a small pamphlet that informs me I can open it and "Learn more about Sarah Muenchrath, the fashion designer behind the pack."

Yes, that's right, my cigarette box has a fashion designer. It is such a blatantly sexist marketing ploy that I wanted to go return the box out of disgust, but it was BOGO and that's the only reason I can afford cigarettes anymore, as disgusting as they are. This way I can kid myself by telling myself that I don't have brand loyalty and somehow justify this addiction.

who we were is not who we are

This line comes from one of my favorite poems:

We, we who were
we are the same no longer.

Who I was is not who I am is not who I will be. I barely remember who I once was, I catch glimpses of this girl in old poetry and photographs. A girl with blonde hair red hair blonde hair black hair brown hair short hair long hair. A girl with an eyebrow ears nose pierced. Sober clean drunk mean. How did that feel? What was I thinking? Our life is defined by the who what when where why how.

Who I am now is not who I will be, where I am not is not where I will be. In a year from now I won't be sitting in my room on my bed watching Planet Earth on my t.v., it will be someone else's room and who knows what they'll be doing at this time one year from now.

Maybe I'll be in Chicago, maybe I'll know you but maybe I won't, maybe I'll be smarter, maybe maybe maybe. Life is full of maybe.

just stop.

It seems a lot easier for others to just... stop. Stop smoking? sure, no problem. Stop seeing, talking, thinking about you? easy. Stop complaining, stop drinking, stop procrastinating.

I'm not like that. I can't just STOP. Not even at a stop sign, I'm a fan of just rolling through.

So how do you do it, maybe it's just my personality but I can't seem to grasp the concept of stopping, maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

What's worst is the people I want to stop don't, and the people I don't want to stop do.

words by wordsworth

Yes, in my Brit Romantic Lit class last night we spent our three hours reading Wordsworth's mature poetry. Some of the poems were simple, for example his 1807 poem, "My heart leaps up"

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky;
So was it when my life began;So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

Memory is something Wordsworth writes a lot about, and in his more mature poetry he toys with the notion that a memory of a place can be called upon at any time can bring feelings of contentedness and happiness just from remembering the place and how you felt in the place. This poem about rainbows reminded me of the day before we left for second extended weekend in Ireland and a huge rainbow appeared behind the cottages. It was a dreary day, but everyone ran outside to look at this ginormous, beautiful rainbow. We were all a little sick, but coats weren't necessary because our spirits were lifted. In that moment, we were incredibly happy.

And now I'm home and I miss it more than anything, because I can't find happiness like that anymore. I don't know if I should blame myself, blame America, blame this town. But can I really blame anyone? I don't think so.

stereotype me, please

Yesterday I was told that because I am a vegetarian, smoke cigarettes, wear glasses, and am "scary", that I am obviously an English major. And if that is true, then I must smoke a lot of weed.

Excuse me, but when did it become okay to stereotype people to their face? Yes I do fit many of the characteristics that are associated with being an English major, but to assume that I trip out on drugs all the time and go around correcting people's grammar is not okay with me. I am more than just those things, I am more than just an English major, so please do not label me.

Also, I was told that consequently I will never find a job with my degree. I know that, thank you, I know I will probably never make a ton of money and I am okay with that. I've never had a lot of money and have never needed a lot of money. It has never been something that drives me to do well or succeed. But who are you to tell me that I will never put my useless degree to waste unless I become a teacher? At least I don't brag about having 7 Grateful Dead tattoos and I'm not a 27-year old working at Biggby, paying my girlfriend's $850 rent who is 7 years younger than me and who I've only been dating for 5 months.

I am better than you.

zombies and tigers and bears, oh my

the other day, I woke up from a really horrifying zombie dream. I've had this same dream multiple times, but each time I get a little closer to death. This time, I was dangling from a white iron-wrought staircase. Beneath me were a group of crazed, salivating zombies, just waiting for me to drop.

I've been told that you can't fear something that does not exist, and according to.. common sense, I guess, zombies do not exist. However, nothing that exists now was once only imagined. Zombies do exist, if only in my dreams, and I think it is completely logical that I am afraid of them.

the secret life of bees

when did life get so busy? i feel like most of my days are full of me running around trying to accomplish things, things, stuff that don't really need to be done. at the end of the day, i still don't feel like i've accomplished anything.

i barely see my roommates because they're always busy, too. i want to just take a moment and sit down with them and have dinner and discuss, beyond the typical crossing paths at home in the kitchen or bathroom or walking out the door saying, this is what i've been doing and this is where i'm going, see you when our paths cross again next. i live with these people, my friends, but we barely spend any time together or talk about real things. i live with these people and i see them daily, but i miss them.

i miss my family. my mother and father and sister. i think i cling to my brother as much as i do because he is the closest and i see him the most. my family lives 20 minutes away, but i feel like they are so much further. we are all so disconnected from each other, even when i go home home. we are all doing our own things and don't make time for one another any more.

what has my life become?

"slow down, you move too fast. gotta make the mornin' last now."

more of the same.

I realize my posts are all the same. What I have to say isn't blog worthy. I don't really think anyone reads this, but if you do, head my warning: don't waste your time.
Sometimes I have good ideas, but I get lazy. It is easier to type a lot about something meaningless than less about something worthwhile.
Maybe one of these days I will actually feel like writing about what a rip off bottled water is, Poland, or my feelings on the election.
However, on days I have grammar, my mind hurts too much and I tend stop thinking. And, this morning I had grammar.

However, I will leave you with this one thought:
I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

survival of the fittest

well, it is the day after homecoming and I survived somehow. I did manage to fall on the ground and scrape up my hands and knees while giving Jessie a piggy back ride. I did manage to sneak my way into the beer tent.

All in a days work.

coming home

Happy homecoming everyone.

My home is colder than Ireland

My home, or house rather, is colder than the cottages in Ireland. I live in a really old house in Easttown. It's really big and open. Heat bills are going to be atrocious this year. My mom told me the predicted average for gas bill this winter is going to be something like $120/month. Right now, we are paying $30, so that's a pretty drastic change.

Living on your own is not all it's cracked up to be.
Crap.

It's not like living at home where parents are there to pay the bills and the lights heat appliances turn on naturally, or so I used to think. It's not like living in the dorms where there is an RA to kick people out-- you have to do that yourself. Locked out of your house? not as simple as calling and RA to open the door or sneaking through your suitemates room. Internet not working? Can't just call ITS. No food? Can't just go to the cafeteria.