waiting

why am I still waiting?

I guess because I don't know what I'm waiting for. So I continue to wait.

haiku

Decorate a tree
Expensive glass ornaments
(don't knock it over)

If your belly shakes
like a bowl full of jelly
go see a doctor

Write Santa letters
be materialistic
don’t ask for time bombs

Arctic conditions
make for excellent sledding,
run people over

Build deranged mutant
killer monster snowmen as
Calvin and Hobbes do

Eventually,
cold and wet will overcome
frolicking in snow

Enter the chamber
that is your preheated house
sit by the hearth fire

Sip slowly, savor
piping hot apple cider
with caramel. Sleep.



and then me:
Dashing through the snow
Sounds much nicer than trudging
Through the slush, so cold

A piece of coal will
Grace your stocking in the morn
if you hate Santa

Take out a loan for
The lovely Christmas presents
You buy for yourself

Magical reindeer
Are trampling your front yard
Ma, get the shot gun

Marshmallows melt in
Hot chocolate, so eat them fast
It will burn your mouth

Novels are best for
When sitting by the warm fire
They go up in flames

Pretty colored lights
make your electric bill rise
Go green this Christmas

Snow falls on cedars
and buries your car as well
Take the horse instead

Christmas movies are
Not made for weak of stomach
Have trash can ready

Up on the housetop
Snow piles seven feet high
And your roof falls in

gas

Today I had to go pay my $108.34 gas bill. In one month, we used that much gas. Especially during the wintertime, I can't imagine not being able to afford heat, or even a house, or clothes. Why is is only during the holidays people think about these things? Because it's cold outside? Because it's time to give gifts or this time to the poor? For some sort of self-gratification, explanation? I don't know. I just don't know.

It's times like these that I realize how much I have, how much I don't really need. Don't get me anything for Christmas.

scarves, scarfing down

I like all of my posts to have creative titles. As an English major, I like plays on words.

I am sporting a scarf I bought when I was in Poland. It is white, I chose it because I thought it was the most versatile. White matches everything, because it's not even a real color, right?

Anyway, it's interesting to me to see all the different types of scarves people wear. Claire has one she calls her busia scarf. Others have matching hat and scarf ensembles. Another way to express yourself.

This post is also to give props to Kirkbride for the delicious pierogies I just scarfed down in class.

My stomach is a little upset now, I don't think it was the pierogies, moreso just food in general has been making my insides churn. Not in a nauseaus way, so I'm not sure what the problem is. Anyway, the food was good, thanks a latte, as we say it in the coffee biz.

holding doors, chasing pavements

Lately I've been holding doors open for people. It's funny the reaction they have. Something so simple can really make a person smile. I don't mind doing it because at the worst it means for me standing in the cold for an extra second or two while the person walks through.

Unless it's a boy. I don't know what it is, but boys, especially the ones I know, do not like it when a girl holds a door open for them. They will stand in the cold, waiting for me to go through the door that I am holding open for them, while I tell them, please, go inside, I'm holding the door open for you. Some just refuse to do it.

Why? because it's not gentlemanlike? Then hold the door open for me, don't wait for me to walk through in front of you. I'm getting cold, you're getting cold, and moreover I'm getting annoyed. Are we that set in our ways that even though most boys don't hold the door open for girls anymore, they still won't go through a door that a girl is holding open for them? Does it make you feel less like a man, boys? Am I demasculating you? Sorr about it, get over it, and walk through the door to the 21st century, where it's okay for girls to open doors for boys, or strangers.

through the wilderness, somehow I made it through

That's how I feel about this semester. I made it through, don't know how. No, I don't have a rough life, but I lost someone very important to me before the year even started. The worst part is, he's still around, just not so much with me anymore.

We all have things to deal with like this. There will always be times we find ourselves missing someone when we don't expect it, and wondering why they're not there. I miss my best friend.

But I am grateful for all of my other friends. Without them, I am something, but without them I wouldn't be me. Without them, I don't know if I would have made it through the semester.


In other news, thank GOD the semester is over. That much closer to real life, that much closer to my biggest fear. No, my biggest fear is not dinosaurs. It's not zombies. It's not heights. It's THE REAL WORLD.

How will I survive the rest of my life?

beyond belief

Santa Claus exists, because without him, there would be no child like joy, no poetry.

It's important that we have something to believe in, whether it be Santa Claus, or anarchy, or love, or Vonnegut.

life changing, life changes

Because of certain life-changing experiences, life changes.

Studying abroad definitely did this for me. Maybe not for everyone. But for me. It changed my life. It changed not only who I am but what I plan to do when I get out of here, if I ever get out of here, and if things go to plan, which they most certainly will not because I am not one for planning and my dreams for life after Aquinas College are not really plans but more vague ideas.

"I wanted real adventures to happen to myself.
But real adventures, I reflected,
do not happen to people who remain at home:
They must be sought abroad."
-James Joyce

I want to travel. I will travel, rather it be with a job or on my own. I want to go places I've never been before. Yes, I do want to go back to Ireland, I love it there and I miss it every day. However, living to Ireland broadened my understanding of the way the world works. There is more than America. I'm not saying life in another country is any better or worse. It's different. I like different. I've been to Poland, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, and Ireland. There is SO MUCH MORE to see. So many places I want to experience. I don't want to be here forever.

Similarly, I want to live in another country, rather it be Europe working or another continent teaching or volunteering with some sort of organization. Maybe one day I will return to the U.S., but I have to say that if I don't make a life for myself in another country for at least a little while, I will be extremely disappointed.

I'm not too worried about getting married or having children. Procreation is not something I support at this point in my life, and I'm not sure if my opinion will ever change. I do not think this is selfish. However, when you have a child there are so many sacrifices that must be made. Is it worth it? I'm not so sure just yet.

Basically, I want to travel and continue to learn for the rest of my life. I want to experience new cultures, read and learn, meet new people. People are important because each one can teach you something about you. I will be a student for life, but not in an institution.

dino dna

For this issue of the Saint, I was assigned to write an article about Walking With Dinosaurs, a show coming to Van Andel. However, because the article was due last Friday and the show did not start until last night, I was to write a preview based on an interview with a PR rep for the show from Los Angeles.

I wish I had been able to write a review, but that's the thing with smaller newspapers that come out every two weeks... barely. Interesting article ideas usually aren't timely when the paper finally comes out.

Now, I love dinosaurs more than the next person, but if I had written this review, I would have included:
- the dialogue was cheesy at times and obviously written for a younger audience
- the 'paleontoligist' or rather the actor who portrayed a paleontologist was not...good
- much of it was anti-climactic because the dinosaurs couldn't actually attack each other.
- it was not as awesome as I anticipated
- I would not have paid $35, the minimum price of a ticket, to go see the show

Although I do love dinosaurs.

Luckily I got in for free.

clean

I just cleaned my bathroom. No one has cleaned it in months. I almost vom dot commed all over everything.

revisiting, revision

Though Romantics did not (techinically) believe in revision, but rather the spontanaeity of creation, an assignment for my Grammar class requires that I do so. I posted the original work a few weeks ago, and have since revised it:

Response # 7: Confirmation
After much deliberation, Jessie and I decided to attend Confirmation at the Tully Cross church. The day was April 2nd—the middle of the week—and the service was at 1:00 in the afternoon. There were plenty of reasons not to go: I had a cold, we needed to finish a literature response due that night, and Jessie is Protestant, to name a few.
Upon entering the church, we immediately felt out of place—it was obviously a family affair. Our friend Mark warned us to dress-up, so we at least had that going for us. The priest directed us to the balcony because the place was pretty jam-packed. The balcony was shady—I felt as though we had been shunned there. Only two pews were accessible; all the others were disorderly stacked in the alcove.
Mass began on time, which came as a shock to me. In my experience, Irish time is never on time. The Bishop attended, dressed in red, and I had unknowingly worn a red shirt, so we matched! Who knew matching the Bishop could make me more at ease. Music played throughout, unlike a normal mass. The "Our Father" was recited in Gaelic, and because I don't know any Gaelic I could not partake. This added to the uncomfortable, outcast feeling growing in my stomach.
After the anointing with oil and receiving of the Holy Spirit, the Bishop asked all of the children if they would like to take a vow abstaining from alcohol and drug usage. They were given the choice to decide how long they wished to keep the vow, and then asked to say a prayer. It was individual choice whether or not the vow was taken seriously. Afterward when I spoke with the children in my class at Eagle's Nest, they told me everyone had taken the vow, one student for as long as ten years and as another for as short as twenty minutes.
The out turn of the community amazed me. They take religion very seriously, which was evident by the community and family support. Principals in each school double as religion teachers. Every institution enforces the importance of religion. It is incorporated into all social aspects.
As a Catholic, I was confirmed when I was 14 years old. 3 years made up the difference between the Irish students who were being confirmed and the age I had been when I received the gift of the Holy Spirit. It was interesting to compare their Confirmation to mine; to see how traditions vary, even in the same religion.
After mass ended, Jessie and I walked down to the Credit Union for sandwiches, scones, and tea. To prepare the amount of food set out on the buffet-style tables had taken many church women. Few others were there when we arrived, but sure enough, after finishing my first egg-salad sandwich, the number of people had greatly increased and continued to do so. Jessie and I had chosen seats against the wall near the start of the food-line—we could not be missed or avoided. I saw several students from Eagle's Nest, but they did little to acknowledge me and even more to avoid me. Maybe it was paranoia, but we were definitely out of place and left shortly after consuming more scones and sandwich triangles (free food!). The deliciousness of the treats made up for the extreme awkwardness of the whole situation.
Later that day, after class, Cottage 8 went to the pub. As Tommy Sammon had foretold, it was very busy. Any excuse to drink, religious events no exception. Especially religious events. At the Renvyle, I crossed paths with Matthew, one of two redheads in my class at Eagle's Nest. I offered my congratulations and he offered me the sum of money he received as compensation for this oh-so-holy day. Sadly, I only wished he offered me the hefty amount of money his relatives showered him with. Instead, Matthew told me all of the purchases he planned to make: a Nintendo Wii and Playstation controllers among them. I guess it pays to have large families as the Irish do--literally. I offered him my very last euro if he would buy a Bible, but he repeatedly declined, much to my relief. No money flowed from my empty pockets as it did Matthews, and sadly no Confirmation or other Holy Sacrament is my near future, although it would be nice and help me to pay off my loans (if that gives you any idea about the sum of money Matthew pocketed that day).
In the end, I didn't have the courage or heart to pickpocket an 11-year-old, so I resorted to drinking half-drank drinks people had left behind and then sullenly returned to my cold cottage where there was no Nintendo Wii to greet me. Realistically, I think the money detracts from the whole religious experience. It devalues the day; kids are focused more on monetary gifts and not on the importance of the sacrament. But, who am I to judge? Only observe with mild contempt and jealousy.

snow-ski

Trudging through the slush does not sound as romantic as dashing through the snow, but it's what I've been doing the last few weeks, and it just keeps getting worse. Snow is always pretty at first then it turns brown and you can't eat it anymore.

miss-ing

I miss Ireland, I always will. I won't stop talking about it. I don't regret anything I did while I was there.

I had more fun than any of you. Cottage 8 did not have a problem. You did because you sat in your cottage and read books and kicked your roommates out when drunk instead of taking care of each other.

I will always be able to look back and remember Ireland as the best time of my life. I am still best friends with those girls and wouldn't trade my experience there for the world.

What about you?

end of the world

It's really not the end of the world, my life will go on and so will the Earth's. It's never the end of the world until one day it finally is.

It just feels like it sometimes.

Debbie Downer.

lazy

Earlier I was standing outside the library partaking in a certain addiction, when two people walked out of the library's doors. Let me just mention that these two people had no visible handicaps whatsoever, nor were their hands full of books. I look up from my contemplative state and saw that they had pressed not just one but two of the handicapped buttons, opening the doors for their lazy asses. OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOURSELVES, FOR GOSH SAKE. It's not that difficult, we've been doing it since birth basically, not that hard, just pull and walk through.

ok. rant for the day. sorry bout it.

some more truths

I ate a box of raisinettes for dinner.
Grammar is not something I understand.
I waited until 6 p.m. to start a research paper I knew was due all semester.
My car is not safe to drive in winter.
I own a pair of suede boots.

I am praying for a snow day.
Period.

Reflections on truths
Something is wrong with this picture
We do not get along
I am a horrible procrastinator
I will have to walk everywhere in the snow
Suede? What was I thinking??

Conclusion of truths
Idiot, I am, or tend to be.

green thumb

Celebrate the Environment: Go Green This Holiday Season without Going in the Red

Release date: 11/26/2008

Contact Information: Contact: Latisha Petteway, (202) 564-4355 / petteway.latisha@epa.gov



(Washington, D.C. – Nov. 26, 2008) You can help others this holiday season without breaking your budget. From planning your holiday meals so there aren’t excess leftovers to donating unwanted electronics to local charities, there are many ways you can save money and protect the environment.

The holidays present opportunities to reduce waste, reuse items, and recycle products instead of disposing of them. Here are a few ways that you can practice the three “R’s” to make this a green holiday season:


Share the good tidings: Make room for new gadgets by donating your unwanted electronics. Used electronics that are still operating can be given to community groups, local schools, or nonprofit organizations. Some donations may qualify for a tax deduction.
Shop smart: Carry a reusable tote when out shopping. Look for gifts made with recycled material and that have less packaging. Buy green electronic products.
Look for opportunities to extend the life of old items: Why spring for a new family computer when you can upgrade your existing one? Borrow or rent certain party goods instead of purchasing new ones. If you are preparing for the upcoming digital TV transition, extend the life of your current TV by purchasing a converter box.

the bomb diggity

The only channel we are allowed to watch at work is CNN. But we can't talk about politics at all. Whatever. Neither here nor there.

But when I want to rest my feet I watch and learn about the economy and peace and war and presidents and cyber-suicides and the law.

Now, at odd times, I look around me and imagine it all being gone in the split second that an atomic bomb is dropped on my world. Gone. Ka-boom. It could happen, it has happened, history repeats itself, it will happen again.

The News instills fear. Good or bad?

pay a price

I'm sure everyone's heard about the temporary employee that was trampled to death at Wal-mart on Friday.

Kudos. Strengthening the American image, one unnecessary consumer-driver incident at a time.

holiday truths, (think but don't say)

Thanksgiving at my grandmother's. Rich, single uncle with not just one but two condos downtown. Looks and sounds a lot the way I remember my grandfather. Truck driver uncle with dog named Harley, and a bike with the same name, and an American flag tattoo. X-doing ex-convict cousin who still talks like he is in jail. Mother mother, who argues to argues but makes a mean pumpkin pie, why don't mine ever turn out quite as good? String bean jean sister, boy-crazy and 5'8" at 12. Mashing potatoes with grandma.

Christmas is coming up soon, she says, you kids should save your money, don't spend it, because soon Obama is going to start taking it all away.

Okay, Grams, I don't think that's quite how it works, but okay.

Sometimes I forget that you're quite conservative and slightly racist, if I didn't love you so much I probably wouldn't like you. I don't really tend to agree with anything that comes out of your mouth, but I still think you're class. Family is like that a lot.

I thought about Kyle. No one mentions you, though. We can't talk about you. I miss you. I hope jail doesn't make you more bitter than you were before.

trippy

Today I was hanging out at Jordan's, one of his friends who I had never met starting telling everyone about his 15-hour acid trip. I was kind of interested to hear what it was like, but once his story was through, I did not see the desire to do acid, and he did not convince me that his exhaustion the next day was worth it.

In other news, I played Legos tonight. I made an army of Lego men. No women. Men. And a dragon. Apparently they are pretty valuable, my mom traded someone my brother's entire collection for a lawnmower.

TOFURKEY

Not too excited for Thanksgiving, don't really get a break besides Thursday, have to be back to work Friday, won't be eating Turkey, maybe I'll make some tofurkey.

THANKS, give it get it got it.

through my imagination, you can explore yours

Tomorrow I will be giving a presentation entitled, "Peace and Reconciliation in Northern Ireland: A Student/Faculty Retrospective" about the ongoing peace process in Northern Ireland. We were the first student group to ever visit. In fact, in 1972, the first year an Aquinas student group visited was the same year as Bloody Sunday, which is what my part of the presentation will be about. Hopefully I won't fuck it up, but we put a lot of work into it and feel passionately about it so I think it will turn out okay.

response #7: confirmation

Response # 7: Confirmation
After much deliberation, Jessie and I decided to attend Confirmation at the Tully Cross church. The day was April 2nd-- it was the middle of the week, and the service was at 1:00 in the afternoon. There were plenty of reasons not to go: I had a cold, we had a literature response due that night, Jessie is Protestant, to name a few.

We immediately felt out of place, because it was obviously a family affair. We had at least been warned by our friend Mark to dress up, so we had that going for us. The priest directed us to the balcony because the place was pretty jam-packed. The balcony was shady-- I felt as though we had been shunned there. There were only two pews that were accessible, the others were stacked disorderly in the alcove.

The mass began on time, which was a small shock to me. In my experience, Irish time is never on time. The bishop was there, dressed in red, and I had unknowingly worn a red shirt, so we matched! Throughout the mass there was music, which there usually is not in a normal mass. Gaelic was also interspersed throughout. The "Our Father" was recited in Gaelic, and because I don't know any Gaelic I was unable to partake. This added to the uncomfortable, outcast feeling that was growing in my stomach.

After the anointing with the oil and the receiving of the Holy Spirit, the Bishop asked all of the children if they would like to take a vow abstaining from alcohol and drug usage. The children were asked to say a prayer silently to themselves if they chose to take the vow for however long they decided. It was individual choice whether or not the vow was taken seriously. Afterward, speaking with the children in my class at Eagle's Nest, they told me they had all taken the vow for as long as ten years and as short as twenty minutes.

I was amazed by the out turn of the community. Religion is taken very seriously, which was evident by the community and family support. The religion teacher of in each local school was the principal of each school. The importance of religion is so enforced by all institutions. It is incorporated into all social aspects.

Because I am Catholic, I was confirmed at the age of 14. There was 3 years difference between the Irish students being confirmed and the age I was. It was interesting to see how even in the same religion, traditions vary.

After mass had ended, Jessie and I walked down to the credit union for sandwiches, scones, and tea. It had taken many church women to prepare the amount of food set out on the buffet-style tables. There were few there when we arrived, but sure enough, after I'd finished my first egg-salad sandwich, the number of people had greatly increased and continued to do so. Jessie and I had chosen seats against the wall near the start of the foodline so we could not be missed. I saw several students from Eagle's Nest, but they did little to acknowledge me and even more to avoid me. It may have been paranoia, but we were definitely out of place and left shortly after consuming more scones and sandwich triangles (free food!). Their deliciousness made up for the extreme awkwardness.

Later that day, after class, Cottage 8 went to the pub. As Tommy Sammon had foretold, it was very busy. Any excuse to drink, religious events no exception. Especially religious events. At the Renvyle, I crossed paths with Matthew, one of two redheads in my class at Eagle's Nest. I offered my congratulations and he offered me the sum of money he had received as compensation for this oh-so-holy day. Sadly, I only wished he had offered me the hefty amount of money his relatives showered him with. Instead, he told me all of the purchases he planned to make: a Nintendo Wii and Playstation controllers among them. I guess it pays to have large families as the Irish do-- literally. I offered him my last euro if he would buy a Bible, but he repeatedly declined, much to my relief. I am not rolling in the dough and have no Confirmation or other Holy Sacrament coming up in the near future, although it would be nice and help me to pay off my loans.

In the end, I didn't have the courage or heart to pickpocket an 11-year-old, so I resorted to drinking half-drank drinks people had left behind and then sullenly returned to my cold cottage where there was no Nintendo Wii to greet me. Realistically, I think the money detracts from the whole religious experiences. It devalues the day; kids are focused more on monetary gifts and not on the importance of the sacrament. But, who am I to judge? Only observe with mild contempt and jealousy.

fly like an eagle, back in time

A lot of times in British Romantic Lit, I think it's kind of a waste of time. In general, I don't get why it's so important to study writers from the past. Will it make me a better writer? Most of the time it makes me feel like I will never amount to anything, will never be as good.

But then, I was preparing for a presentation I will be a part of on Tuesday about a trip to Northern Ireland I took last January. My mom dropped off my journals I had written shortly afterward, along with all of my notes and school work from my semester in Ireland.

I got to re-reading all of my old journals, from first quad, second quad, as well as my teaching journals. It really brought me back to my time there. I remember all of the kids, playing games on the playground, working with them, the dancing, and most of all the happiness they brought me.

If there's anything I've learned from the Romantics, it's about the power of imagination. I feel like imagination is something everyone has, but no one really thinks about. Imagination gave me a free trip back to Ireland, back in time. And it brought me happiness.

happenin' nappin'

There are not enough naps in my life. Maybe that is why I am not happy.

haaaaa. Just kidding. I'm generally happy. Today I am just tired and out of sorts, nothing that can't be fixed with a little r&r. When this will come, I'm not sure. Always something to do somewhere to go someone to see someone to be.

I chose this life. I have no one but blame but myself.

chesley

I'm not sure if anyone has had Chesley for anything, but he is hilarious. Currently, we are reading Pride and Prejudice, which is, according to him, the BEST NOVEL IN THE HISTORY OF NOVELS.

So today, someone brought up the movie version starring Keira Knightly as Elizabeth Bennet. He did not like this so much.

"Keira Knightly looks like she needs an IV so she will not die on the spot."

Maybe it sounded funnier in his voice, which can at times be high-pitched for a man, especially when he is passionate about something as he is about Pride and Prejudice.


This is his modern interpretation of the idea of marriage in the novel.

"No I will not marry you because your uncle has done time for grand theft auto."


This kind of got me thinking about marriage. We are so free today to do what we want, compared to the 19th century. You couldn't just marry who you wanted when you wanted. Marriage was a game of chance.

whatever works

I have a part-time job, and yet upon examining my paycheck I realize, I work for the government, I work for the unemployed. I work for the war, I pave the roads and I fill the potholes. I put out the fires that I start, I work to keep the peace, police, love, and quiet. I work for all of these things because they work for me.

But what if they don't? Well, they still get paid.

power, cat power

Free when I shouldnt've been and now that I am don't want to be.

This has got to stop.

complaisance

At least all I have to worry about is a boring life and not too much about survival beyond the basic needs. Eat Sleep Home, repeat. No Guns Genocide Starvation Wild animals. I have a roof over my head and a stable environment for the most part, which is more than a lot can say. Who am I to complain about two tests in the morning? I can afford higher education, if it's worth it is another question. I have a comfortable bed to sleep in and food in the pantry and don't have to worry about surviving the cold or food in my belly.
I am well off. Enough's enough.

I <3 the u.s.a

I've been contemplating politics more than usual, what with the election and all. I think this year in particular voting in the presidental election was quite romanticised by the media, and that's a pretty tough thing to ignore or stand up to. A good friend didn't vote because she doesn't believe in it. I did, but I'm not sure why. Did I feel like it was my civic duty? The rest of the years I have done nothing and will probably not vote until the next presidential election, so no.
Politics always confuse me. I have never been an activist, I am much more introverted. The Romantic view of government is that revolution and change can not be done politically. It is the job of the artists to change people's minds and therefore change the world. This is done through

this is an incomplete thought.

nature-al

nature plus thought equals purified feeling.

it's there for a reason, right?

when's the last time any of us has really looked at nature? I feel like it's almost impossible to do these days without seeing something that's not a part of nature IN nature, like a sign or litter or a road or another person. that's right, I said it, we're not even natural anymore. so far removed, so much forgotten.

good way to look at it

(Winter is coming)

April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain.
Winter kept us warm, covering
Earth in forgetful snow, feeding
A little life with dried tubers.

little person, big planet

Today was the first day I finally felt like myself, in a really long time. I got a good grade on a paper understood grammar a great lunch of stirfry hummus cottage cheese at wege with two great friends and laughter new headphones and cd as reward wandering around uncrowded mall aimlessly for awhile by myself because I could and that's what I wanted to do scarf around the neck and a trip home with baby brother to spaghetti leftovers and a short nap with Pokey dog then watching reality t.v. with Mom because it's what she wanted so it's what I wanted reading laundry relax and then to GR again.

Today I felt in my element again. Minus cold feet. Literally.

What makes you happy? or, content. Content is the feeling I'm really looking for.

my mind wanders and breaks

French Toast, love boasts, champagnes toasts, love boats, touch and go, eenie meenie miny mo, hustle and flow, catch and release, summer breeze, bees knees, kublai khan,vince vaughn, my mom, magic hat, maniac mcgee.

I'm watching the future come. The snow's sticking and that means winter and all of its accessories are going to be here. And again I think about last winter and winter's past and it's a crazy feeling to think of what I've lived and what I've got to live for.

Yesterday I had an extremely long yet inconclusive conversation with someone. It's one of those thing that I don't really know what to think about, I'm not happy but I'm not mad, not satisfied or dissatisfied.

You know you've been watching too much Sex in the City when you start using words like, "fabulous" as part of your every day speak. You know you hang out with your best friend too much when people consistently tell you that the two of you are the same person. You know that there is no such thing as too much.

Yesterday a giant man in his early 40's came into my work. He was very friendly and thought I was funny, which doesn't happen often, so I obviously liked him. He gave me a $12 tip, which made up half of our tips for the day. He also gave me a piece of Bazooka Bubble Gum. Don't worry, I asked him if it was poisonous before taking it. I also gave him a free brownie. If he had asked me for my phone number, I would have probably given it to him.

It's sad how lazy I am these days. Our fridge is bare, and I have no motivation to make food for myself, partly because the kitchen is so far away from my bedroom and mostly because I don't know how. I eat out but can't afford to. I check facebook and blog and watch youtube videos instead of doing homework or something more valuable with my time like reading a book or expanding my mind. I'm sorry, mom and dad and God if you exist, I hope you don't regret my creation or think I'm a waste of space.

baptism

It's a great feeling when you finally step into the shower after a few days going without. All the dirt and work and mistakes from the past 2 or 3 or 4 days is washed off, and you're clean. It's a very calming experience.

anti-climactic

It all came down to one night, and nothing really happened.

don't step on a crack

I need to stop talking about people to other people. It always gets back to them and they'll end up punching you repeatedly in the arm... or worse.

my neck, my back

My neck and back and hand hurt. I have been reading, writing, studying for the past two days straight. Oh, stop complaining, I know I know. I just don't know if this school thing is for me anymore. I can't seem to bring myself to do work in advance so that I stress and actually do a good job. I don't know if I can do the school thing. I don't want to study to be able to create.

what's my name again?

Sometimes I think about how funny it is that a lot of the names we call things (products and the like) are not the correct name for them. For instance, one specific brand of toaster pastries is pop tarts, but we tend to call all brands pop tarts. Similarly, when I am at work, people frequently order a frappuccino, but that is the starbucks name for what we call a big chill. Kleenex is a brand of facial tissue, there are thousands more that are part of our everyday speak. It's amazing the influence brands have over our lives.

i enjoy a good party

Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy a good party. However, when it comes to political parties, I do not believe in the two party system.

Jane Austen

Jane Austen is the all-knowing narrator of Pride and Prejudice. Similarly, I am the all-knowing narrator of my life in this blog. However, unlike Jane Austen, I am not always as honest as she is.

paper planes, paper cranes

According to the Catholic calender year, today was All Soul's Day. This meant that not only was the mass dedicated to the memory of those throughout the year, but an added decoration to the church. A mobile made of paper cranes of various colors and sizes hung in above the altar. A note in the bulletin read, "Each of the paper cranes is crafted in the Japanese art oragami. In Japanese tradition the number 1000 signifies 'fullness' or 'eternity.' The paper cranes bear the name of a parishioner buried." I was instantly reminded of reading Sadako and the 1000 Paper Cranes

It's amazing how something so beautiful can be created out of something so simple.

Early last week in my business class we had an air plane making competition to demonstrate something or another that was relative to what we were studying in class. It also required teamwork, so we got to learn about that as well.

It's amazing that an inanimate object can fly but I cannot. I'd like to fly.

time to pretend

Halloween is a time for people to become something they're not. And that's cool. It's a fantasy thing, a fun dress up thing. The costumes I like best are the ones that show some sort of creativity, homemade, thrown together type thing. Not store-bought. This year, I think I may have been the only one who dressed as myself on Halloween. You may or may not be familiar with the MTV show Daria which aired in the 1990s. I have been told countless times that Daria and I have similar personalities. This may or may not be a compliment, I don't really care. But, for Halloween I threw on some round glasses, a pair of my roommate's combat boots, and a bulky green sweater. I was Daria. And the best part was, I didn't have to spend one penny. Next year, though, I really want to be a dinosaur.

Lately I am enjoying more than ever just hanging out with friends, sipping wine, or walking down the street to Dawson's house and being surprised with a home-cooked delicious meal that immeasurably better than Wege or a pizza hot pocket. I prefer just plain tea or coffee over a latte. I find more enjoyment in simplicity these days.

Tonight I was talking about marching band, which I did in high school. Joking around and poking fun at it, but in all honesty, marching band was a great experience. I don't know why it is considered to be geeky or lame, it actually requires a lot of practice and skill and I really enjoyed doing it.

That's all.

wake up

Creativity is a violent process. Some creative force wakes you up one day and you have an idea. And so you create, a place a world a vision that's never existed before. An uncontrollable surge of creative energy that could only have come from the Universe. The Universe owns you and you create create create something new, it causes awe and fear, really. People are afraid of you because they don't know where this... creation came from. Where do your ideas come from? The Universe, a force of nature that you cannot describe or harness or begin to explain.

married with children

Lately I've been finding out that a lot of people my age that I went to high school with are getting married/divorced/engaged. Most of them are not in college. Correlation? Maybe. But I can say that I cannot imagine being the age I am at the stage I am and being married. I cannot even handle being in a relationship right now. But that's just me.

crooked or straight, my guy's an 8

I am falling in love with gay men again. No more going to the club and dancing with strangers that want more than just a friendly dance. No more bullshit because they tell you like it is. No more. I am completely straight and head over heels for every boy/man/she I met tonight.

Someone gave me their phone number tonight on a $1 bill, and I know he wasn't interested in me in that way. And I haven't felt this good in awhile. Thank you, Tommy. Maybe I will call you for a good time.

amy

This is my friend Daniel Manuel Soliz. Or, as we like to call him, Amy Winehouse.

everything I wrote was true because I believed in what I saw

lead, more than just a pencil tip

America continues to pride itself on being leaders of the world. What no one questions is, should we lead? and are we even capable of leading?

"What no one questions is the certainty that we are capable of, indeed accustomed to, exercising such leadership, and, more basically still, that our ideals as a nation entitle us to do so."

Foreign affairs are important. Maintaining relationships with other countries for reasons of security and trade are necessary. However, when our idea of leading transforms into imposing our cultural and moral beilefs onto another country, I think we've gone too far. War in Iraq, too far. Exportation of fast food, too far.

We don't need to lead to be the best. And we don't have to be the best at everything. Look at the state of our economy. We can't cover that up, or pretend to be the best anymore.

I say we, and I mean America, the country of my birth. However, it is becoming more and more difficult for me to identify myself with a country I am not proud of.

mark it

I am in an intro business class, one I am taking just to fulfill my gen-ed requirement. This morning on my walk to class I was thinking about marketing in society today.

Recently, new marketing measures have been developed to allow producers to connect with consumers on a new level. Since World War 2 there has been a large paradigm shift that has led to customization of products and an increase of options for consumers.

Makes for a pretty muddled world. Yea, a lot to choose from, but what do we choose?

wanna be a rockstar

I'm reading and article entitled Top 10 Teen Heartthrobs and this is one of them:


David Cassidy, lovin' life as a teen idol.





But the #1 teen idol(s) of all time, and this was the reasoning:


Face it, the Beatles are the best. They popularized the mop-top, they led the British invasion, and they still hold the record for most Number 1 singles of all time (20). Between 1964 and 1970, a Beatles song occupied the No. 1 spot on Billboard charts for a total of 58 weeks. At concerts, the teenage hysterics got so bad that the group couldn't hear themselves play. In 1966, the band couldn't take Beatlemania anymore and decided to stop touring. And then something amazing happened: they released experimental, eclectic albums and turned into rock 'n' roll legends.

All good reasons, I think. I mean, it is easy to get swept up into Beatlemania. It's easier to write them off as teen idols. However, the Beatles did not stop at that. I'm not saying they are my favorite band by any means, but they are undeniably versatile.

Want to be a teen idol? Then you want to be a rockstar first.

great news for the future

This from an article in Time Magazine: "America is trussed up with Disney tie-ins, so it's no surprise that Stateside fans, should they choose, can watch HSM the movie while eating HSM candy, then scrub up with HSM hand sanitizer before going to sleep under an HSM duvet. But Disney's global marketing strategy, combined with its embrace of a range of technologies to reach various regions and audiences, has ensured that HSM's reach stretches far beyond America's shores. 'It's genius,' says Michael Gubbins, editor of Screen International, the London-based industry magazine, of Disney's HSM marketing strategy. 'They've understood that TV is a way to get into people's heads, and that the Internet is a way to enrich that, and that cinema is a place to add to that excitement. It shows exactly the way franchises are going to be built in the future.'... As the Disney song observes, it's a small world. High School Musical is making it even smaller."


More to come for future generations. Apparently we haven't hit bottom yet.

let down

This past week we had a week long break from school. I had many goals and aspirations for this break.

My house is very dirty. My roommate has a giant dog. Meet Odysseus, Odie for short.
It sheds and smells and sits on the furniture and chews things. He is a cute dog, but is a boy and therefore difficult to live with sometimes. While roommate and Odie were gone in St. Louis over fall break, I thought it would be a good time to clean the house in their absence. My mom even bought me a broom and dust pan. Didn't get done.

This semester has not been filled with a lot of silly, busy work for me. I got to class and take notes, but I don't have much class to class homework that fills up my week. However, I do have two very large research projects due towards the end of the semester for two of my English classes. Among other requirements are 10-12 page papers for each. Fall break, hey, I'll get a head start while I'm not busy so I don't get caught off guard when I'm stuck working on both at the same time. Oh, just kidding, didn't get done.

What did I do with my week? I worked to make a buck and hung out with friends. Spent more money than I should have and didn't even go anywhere. A week off school to give back to the community, to clean house, do homework. I did none of these things. It's the end of the week, and at the end of the week I feel like a let down, disappointment to myself, and failure.

terrible, no good, very bad mood

I have been in a very terrible mood lately, a perpetual bad mood that has been here for a few days. Some work stuff has got me in a funk, it makes me pretty mad to even think about it. I wish work didn't affect my life but it does. My problems with work have affected other aspects of my life.
Yesterday I was out of hand, complaining nonstop, taking it out on others, becoming agitated by every little thing. I could not calm down. I wish work was just work and that's it. I wish it did not spill over into the rest of my life.
A day away from work kind of helped. I realize that an entire week filled with work drama is stress entering my life from a source where there should not be drama or stress. Today I took time to relax. Relax, I told myself. Relax with my family and watch my talented sister play soccer. Relax with my friends and pick pumpkins. Relax, take it easy.
There's school in the morning and more work to be done.

religulous

Just as Claire is feeling better, I got sick. In order to keep balance on Earth and in the Universe, there must be a balance of feeling. Happiness, pain, sadness, sickness, health. There must always be a balance. I might be happy, but someone down the street must be sad. I may be sick, but someone in India is completely healthy. There must always be balance. This might seem preposterous or a little far-fetched. But, as this may be true, I actually kind of believe it. I believe it because I don't want the World to explode or the Universe to fall into itself.

locket

Locker
Locked in
Locked in a locker
Locker
Lock her
Lock her in a locker

Locket
Lock it
Lock it in a locket

Fair
Fare
All's fair in love and war fare.


I love words.

In a weird mood today, obviously. I like spending time alone. I cannot grocery shop with people. I can not study with others. I need solitude sometimes in my life, and I enjoy it.
I'm starting to feel at home in my school-time house. When I'm away, I plan in my head what I'm going to do when I get home and in what order. I get excited about it.

the world is my oyster, but no pearls

I am Polish, 50% by birth. I identify myself with the Polish race because my last name, "Krolewicz" is visibly Polish, my father and his 6 siblings are all 100% Polish, their parents immigrated from Poland and met in Michigan. Beyond this, I know nothing about my heritage. Yet it is because of this that led me to Poland for spring break this past Spring.


When I first arrived at our hostel, the Orange Hostel, it was the day after a sleepover in the Dublin airport. I had been toting around a backpack stuffed to the brim with clothing and necessities for my 3 week trip that weighed what felt like a ton. We had gotten lost in a part of town that seemed deserted with street signs that all seemed to read the same to eyes that were unfamiliar with the language. To get lost, I might add, you must have some idea of where you are to begin with or where you're headed, of which I had neither. Leave the train station, go up, turn left then right then left then walk walk walk and do not get discouraged. An apartment building was the apparent home to our hostel, so we cautiously dragged ourselves up four flights of stairs in hopes that this truly was our destination. I had no idea what I was doing, where I was going, or how we had actually managed to find the hostel. In fact, what originally brought me to Poland was a rumor that cigarettes there were cheap. Go figure.

Go back a month or two when the plan became real because plane tickets were booked, then did I e-mail my Babushka to inquire where in Poland my family was from. Her response was short and vague. Somewhere near the Russian border. Maybe. Something with an "O". Possibly. She couldn't remember. My disappointment.

So when I arrived finally at the Orange Hostel in Krakow, all I could think was food, sit, lay, pee. Primal. We were greeted by a friendly girl speaking Polish.
Polish? I'm sorry, I don't speak Polish.
And honestly, I really was sorry. I was in a foreign country relying on the expectation, the hope, that everyone spoke English. I was one of those Americans, I was a tourist, and I was sorry. After glimpsing over my passport,
Kro-lev-ich, you are Polish?
Yes, yes I am, but feeling a weird mixture of guilt and ashamed because I don't speak Polish, don't know anything about the culture, don't feel Polish beyond my last name. I'm here for cigarettes and because I'm Polish. But am I really? Genetically, hereditarily speaking, yes.


My grandfather, my father's father, was a great man. He did a lot of wrong, but I knew him for the woods around his house and the giant tire swing and his eclectic collection of junk and the words he would speak that always seemed to have meaning to him but were just babbling to me. I heard him, but I didn't hear him. I didn't understand. He died during Christmas of my freshman year of college. If only I had listened, maybe now I would understand what it is to be Polish. It is more than love of perogies and big noses and kelbasa and "skis". It's more than "somewhere near the Russian border" but it's a part of me that will never be known to me.

I will continue to feel connected to Poland because I am still connected to my grandfather, even if it is only by name. But if it is only by name, then it is my own fault. I will not let my lack of language skills hinder me from exploring the world, because I feel it is mine to explore. At least I wasn't alone, I had Stephanie and Stephanie alone to talk to for our 5 day stay. I will not rely on others to make up for what I do not know, but I will not let that stop me. The world is my oyster.

walking the fine line

There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.


Thank you, Kate Monster, I don't think anyone has said it quite this well before. I don't think I realized it, or admitted to myself before that it is over, we are done, it's over we're through. And I can blame you but I think mostly what I feel now is guilt. Don't want to drink to forget, or be sober to remember. I am vulnerable in this post, but I can't really think about anything else about these feelings. Disappointment, memories. I'm sad today.

its hard to accept that people change even though you still love them for who they were. but i love you and i know that might not be the same..you have good friends and you will meet knew people and places and he wont matter like he used to. it will take time so much time unfortunately

words of wisdom because I have wise friends. Friends I can learn from, that can teach me and help me grow.

lonely

A lonely boy's Jessie. A lonely boy's replacement for whoever they really want. A lonely boy's for now.

No more.

learning

I like class because I find I am learning a lot about myself. However, I do not like classes that waste my time, because effectually that is wasting my money. I am not one to skip class. Even if professors cancel classes I do not like it because I feel like I am missing out on knowledge... or at least a class that I paid for.

Mostly, I think school is just stealing my money. I want to be creative, but it seems like most of the time I am just bull shitting my way through to get a grade. Grades? Do I really think they demonstrate my intelligence, or are a good representation of what I've learned in the class? Mostly it's just being tested over stuff I'll forget immediately.

I don't know, right now I just feel like I'm wasting my time.

student 4 life

After being a student for so long, I wonder what schools will be like in a hundred years. What changes will our school system undergo in the next century? What poets and poems and concepts will students be studying, if they're even studying at all?

mourning in the morning

Today all I can think about is change. Things change, innocence is lost, things change. It must be the season. Fall=change=nostalgia for the past. This simple word equation is actually a complicated concept that perplexes me and occupies my daily thoughts. I remember a simpler time, but I think we've come too far and I've come too far to ever go back. I realize this and yet still struggle with it.

also, a link http://mjperry.blogspot.com/
copy and paste it if you want, it's not letting me do it correctly for some reason, whatever.



out of mind, out of sight
or
out of sight, out of mind
or neither

fashion designer

My new pink pack of Camel No. 9's (told you I can't stop) features a small pamphlet that informs me I can open it and "Learn more about Sarah Muenchrath, the fashion designer behind the pack."

Yes, that's right, my cigarette box has a fashion designer. It is such a blatantly sexist marketing ploy that I wanted to go return the box out of disgust, but it was BOGO and that's the only reason I can afford cigarettes anymore, as disgusting as they are. This way I can kid myself by telling myself that I don't have brand loyalty and somehow justify this addiction.

who we were is not who we are

This line comes from one of my favorite poems:

We, we who were
we are the same no longer.

Who I was is not who I am is not who I will be. I barely remember who I once was, I catch glimpses of this girl in old poetry and photographs. A girl with blonde hair red hair blonde hair black hair brown hair short hair long hair. A girl with an eyebrow ears nose pierced. Sober clean drunk mean. How did that feel? What was I thinking? Our life is defined by the who what when where why how.

Who I am now is not who I will be, where I am not is not where I will be. In a year from now I won't be sitting in my room on my bed watching Planet Earth on my t.v., it will be someone else's room and who knows what they'll be doing at this time one year from now.

Maybe I'll be in Chicago, maybe I'll know you but maybe I won't, maybe I'll be smarter, maybe maybe maybe. Life is full of maybe.

just stop.

It seems a lot easier for others to just... stop. Stop smoking? sure, no problem. Stop seeing, talking, thinking about you? easy. Stop complaining, stop drinking, stop procrastinating.

I'm not like that. I can't just STOP. Not even at a stop sign, I'm a fan of just rolling through.

So how do you do it, maybe it's just my personality but I can't seem to grasp the concept of stopping, maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

What's worst is the people I want to stop don't, and the people I don't want to stop do.

words by wordsworth

Yes, in my Brit Romantic Lit class last night we spent our three hours reading Wordsworth's mature poetry. Some of the poems were simple, for example his 1807 poem, "My heart leaps up"

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky;
So was it when my life began;So is it now I am a man;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

Memory is something Wordsworth writes a lot about, and in his more mature poetry he toys with the notion that a memory of a place can be called upon at any time can bring feelings of contentedness and happiness just from remembering the place and how you felt in the place. This poem about rainbows reminded me of the day before we left for second extended weekend in Ireland and a huge rainbow appeared behind the cottages. It was a dreary day, but everyone ran outside to look at this ginormous, beautiful rainbow. We were all a little sick, but coats weren't necessary because our spirits were lifted. In that moment, we were incredibly happy.

And now I'm home and I miss it more than anything, because I can't find happiness like that anymore. I don't know if I should blame myself, blame America, blame this town. But can I really blame anyone? I don't think so.

stereotype me, please

Yesterday I was told that because I am a vegetarian, smoke cigarettes, wear glasses, and am "scary", that I am obviously an English major. And if that is true, then I must smoke a lot of weed.

Excuse me, but when did it become okay to stereotype people to their face? Yes I do fit many of the characteristics that are associated with being an English major, but to assume that I trip out on drugs all the time and go around correcting people's grammar is not okay with me. I am more than just those things, I am more than just an English major, so please do not label me.

Also, I was told that consequently I will never find a job with my degree. I know that, thank you, I know I will probably never make a ton of money and I am okay with that. I've never had a lot of money and have never needed a lot of money. It has never been something that drives me to do well or succeed. But who are you to tell me that I will never put my useless degree to waste unless I become a teacher? At least I don't brag about having 7 Grateful Dead tattoos and I'm not a 27-year old working at Biggby, paying my girlfriend's $850 rent who is 7 years younger than me and who I've only been dating for 5 months.

I am better than you.

zombies and tigers and bears, oh my

the other day, I woke up from a really horrifying zombie dream. I've had this same dream multiple times, but each time I get a little closer to death. This time, I was dangling from a white iron-wrought staircase. Beneath me were a group of crazed, salivating zombies, just waiting for me to drop.

I've been told that you can't fear something that does not exist, and according to.. common sense, I guess, zombies do not exist. However, nothing that exists now was once only imagined. Zombies do exist, if only in my dreams, and I think it is completely logical that I am afraid of them.

the secret life of bees

when did life get so busy? i feel like most of my days are full of me running around trying to accomplish things, things, stuff that don't really need to be done. at the end of the day, i still don't feel like i've accomplished anything.

i barely see my roommates because they're always busy, too. i want to just take a moment and sit down with them and have dinner and discuss, beyond the typical crossing paths at home in the kitchen or bathroom or walking out the door saying, this is what i've been doing and this is where i'm going, see you when our paths cross again next. i live with these people, my friends, but we barely spend any time together or talk about real things. i live with these people and i see them daily, but i miss them.

i miss my family. my mother and father and sister. i think i cling to my brother as much as i do because he is the closest and i see him the most. my family lives 20 minutes away, but i feel like they are so much further. we are all so disconnected from each other, even when i go home home. we are all doing our own things and don't make time for one another any more.

what has my life become?

"slow down, you move too fast. gotta make the mornin' last now."

more of the same.

I realize my posts are all the same. What I have to say isn't blog worthy. I don't really think anyone reads this, but if you do, head my warning: don't waste your time.
Sometimes I have good ideas, but I get lazy. It is easier to type a lot about something meaningless than less about something worthwhile.
Maybe one of these days I will actually feel like writing about what a rip off bottled water is, Poland, or my feelings on the election.
However, on days I have grammar, my mind hurts too much and I tend stop thinking. And, this morning I had grammar.

However, I will leave you with this one thought:
I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

survival of the fittest

well, it is the day after homecoming and I survived somehow. I did manage to fall on the ground and scrape up my hands and knees while giving Jessie a piggy back ride. I did manage to sneak my way into the beer tent.

All in a days work.

coming home

Happy homecoming everyone.

My home is colder than Ireland

My home, or house rather, is colder than the cottages in Ireland. I live in a really old house in Easttown. It's really big and open. Heat bills are going to be atrocious this year. My mom told me the predicted average for gas bill this winter is going to be something like $120/month. Right now, we are paying $30, so that's a pretty drastic change.

Living on your own is not all it's cracked up to be.
Crap.

It's not like living at home where parents are there to pay the bills and the lights heat appliances turn on naturally, or so I used to think. It's not like living in the dorms where there is an RA to kick people out-- you have to do that yourself. Locked out of your house? not as simple as calling and RA to open the door or sneaking through your suitemates room. Internet not working? Can't just call ITS. No food? Can't just go to the cafeteria.

legitimate

Last night I went home to do laundry, let's just say I hadn't done any in at least 3 1/2 weeks... not really something I enjoy doing. Not important.

While there I watched a particularly interesting episode of Boston Legal. I don't normally watch t.v., and when I do this is not a show I typically watch. I don't think I've ever seen one episode actually.

Well, this particular episode was rather interesting. One of the cases involved a 17 year-old girl who wanted the right to vote. I felt the closing statements of her attorney were very smart.

"This country is ruled by the old, the white, and the rich" "Kids have idealism we have forgotten. They have a voice." (after listing all the problems there are with the United States and the world, he sarcastically says), "Let's not dare let children mess up our masterpiece... the kids are getting screwed."

And finally, he made the connection that teenagers are taxed freely but are not represented because they are not allowed to vote, that this is taxation without representation, and that we as American citizens have a history of excluding certain segments from the voting process.

I thought it was interesting.

anecdote

This past weekend I took my first road trip to MSU since high school for my friend's birthday. When I visited State in the fall of 2005, it was for a giant journalism workshop that is held there every year.

The context of my visit this time was to spend a night hanging out with Pete, a friend I met my freshman year at Aquinas. He just began taking classes this fall at MSU and lives in a house somewhere in East Lansing. I say somewhere because, in relation to the main campus, or anything else for that matter.

In general, though my visit short-- less than 24 hours-- I was completely over-whelemed by the size of the town. MSU isn't just a college, it is a town. I only experienced one gas station, a house on Virginia(Vagina), Pete's house that was 7 minutes away driving according to mapquest, one frat house that had possibly THE most disgusting bathroom I have ever seen, one Denny's where they were not allowed to sell any lettuce because of a recent e.coli outbreak, and one gas station before coming home.

A school with 45000 students or however many they have there is bound to be different, true. I encountered many different people and none of them seemed all that exciting. Maybe if I went there and fished around I would find a few that I actually liked as people and more than just those friends you party with on weekend. Speaking of partying, it seems every weekend at MSU is like our annual Stomp, which is fast approaching. I don't know how anyone could function drinking that much weekend after weekend. Once a year is fine with me.

That's all.

dead beat drop out

I would drop out of school but I don't want to work at Biggby for the rest of my life.

this is my friend pat

(00:06:40) Me: patrick
(00:06:58) Patrick: my darling.
(00:07:12) Patrick: speak to me.
(00:07:40) Me: seeing avenue q live is 100xs better than listening to it
(00:07:51) Patrick: i'm such a jealous fool
(00:10:08) Patrick: seriously though. i hate it here.
(00:11:18) Me: that bad?
(00:11:18) Patrick: how is home.
(00:11:24) Patrick: just boring.
(00:12:03) Patrick: and hot.
(00:12:43) Me: home is up and down, the temperature cannot make up its mind
(00:12:46) Me: it's still not quite fall
(00:12:51) Me: i'm waiting anxiously
(00:12:54) Me: i'm not ready for winter.
(00:13:00) Me: i just want it to be fall
(00:13:02) Me: and i want to drink cider forever
(00:13:05) Patrick: i wish it would be fall forever.
(00:13:11) Patrick: and summer for two weeks.
(00:13:14) Patrick: one week of winter.
(00:13:16) Patrick: ideal.
(00:14:05) Patrick: bike rides and a ridiculous scarf is what i need.
(00:17:13) Me: i rode my bike today
(00:17:19) Me: but i was not wearing a scarf. not yet.
(00:17:50) Patrick: i hope you have the common sense to wear a scarf only when required.
(00:18:14) Patrick: as a sensible young woman would.
(00:18:21) Me: I am not one of those trendy girls that wear scarves for fashion.
(00:18:29) Me: I wear fashionable scarves for necessity
(00:18:44) Patrick: <3
(00:19:34) Me: right? right.
(00:19:40) Patrick: totally
(00:20:31) Patrick: i'm coming home for two whole weeks.

(00:24:00) Patrick: mom sent me a bible.
(00:24:15) Patrick: it was unexpected.
(00:26:11) Me: why...
(00:26:22) Patrick: i think she worries for my soul
(00:27:46) Me: do you?
(00:27:56) Patrick: not so much.
(00:29:16) Patrick: you and yours?
(00:29:38) Me: eh, not right now
(00:30:16) Me: maybe in a decade
(00:30:24) Me: i'll repent. but no promises
(00:30:37) Patrick: ( :
(00:30:57) Patrick: i may pull a deathbed foot in the door.
(00:32:36) Me: that's cutting it pretty close
(00:33:49) Patrick: a good catholic should feel guilty all the time, for no particular reason.
(00:34:00) Patrick: i'm not ready for that kind of commitment.
(00:37:07) Me: when are you coming home
(00:37:16) Patrick: the week before christmas.
(00:37:46) Me: so you will be home for christmas
(00:37:56) Patrick: yup
(00:39:50) Patrick: with bells on.
(00:40:06) Me: wrap yourself up and give you to me
(00:40:38) Patrick: it will be difficult, but i know my way around tape and scissors.
(00:41:01) Me: :-D
(00:42:32) Patrick: lets get some tea.
(00:42:43) Me: and really fucking shitty chinese food
(00:42:48) Me: and smoke a pack of cigarettes
(00:42:49) Patrick: oh yes, the shittiest
(00:42:54) Patrick: maybe two
(00:43:16) Patrick: and some awful cheap wine.
(00:43:22) Patrick: anything in a box.
(00:43:41) Me: god yes

(00:57:12) Patrick: god doesnt come to florida
(00:57:21) Me: only the DEVIL
(00:57:33) Patrick: he tries to avoid this place too.
(00:58:06) Me: aw it can't be that bad
(00:58:12) Me: maybe just the situation that has you there
(00:58:13) Patrick: its really not.
(00:58:30) Patrick: i just like to complain.
(00:58:37) Patrick: i'm feeling a little locked down
(01:02:37) Me: do they lock you in your rooms at night?
(01:02:46) Patrick: no
(01:03:00) Patrick: but they might as well
(01:09:17) Patrick: they confiscated my Einstein poster and snoopy figurine.
(01:09:22) Patrick: my world has been shaken.
(01:09:25) Me: whyyyyyyyy
(01:09:30) Me: why would they do that
(01:09:47) Patrick: random inspections. everything is supposed to be locked up and perfect.
(01:11:00) Me: will you get it back
(01:11:18) Patrick: yeah.
(01:11:52) Patrick: i hope!
(01:12:00) Patrick: otherwise this place is getting burned to the ground

looking ahead

I need something to look forward to.

some truths

want to get home and write out these thoughts
type down these thoughts...
addicted to the bliss of Eire
our dreamworld, unreal world
Now. I am here no longer in the world I can touch
but rather in one I can only feel.
and it is real to only me.

Danielle, perpetual asher, & lungs full of smoke.

I realize you can't be friends with everyone, but I will continue to try.

"the few times we've met, though brief, left me very curious and bewildered by you and i wish to pursue our acquaintance"

cider and caffeine and free
anxious love, facilitate nicotine
inhaled in lung, hard to breathe
love or smoke?

and i'm home in a home where no one's ever home
and the one who was my home left me
and then left the country
and i look at you and i know why we're friends
we're lonely, lonely, lonelilly
and we're holding each other
but we're lonely

and i think and i dream
and i know you're not the one for me
but you were the one for me
and who can say why we do what we do
or want what we want
or say what we say
i guess it just depends on the day

Space Odyssey

We are always pushing boundaries, exploring space. What do we want to find in the vast eternity beyond Earth? More proof that we are small and insignificant. More things that we cannot understand, cannot wrap our minds around. The idea of space and time so vast and so forever. We will never understand.

Home-body

A few weeks ago, some friends and I were at Little Africa. I think I may have blogged about it.
Anyway, as we were the only ones in the restaurant, the owner/server/cook came to talk to us. He asked each of us our majors, and what we planned on doing with them. Obviously, Ireland had to come up, and we started to talk about going abroad. Each of us expressed our love of travel, experiencing new cultures, and our desire to do it again, with the possibility of moving out of the U.S. permanently and establishing roots in other countries.
He, being a man who noticeably is not of American descent, responded to this with timid shock. "Why would you want to go anywhere else?" and "No place like home." And this coming from someone who emigrated here, who chose Michigan U.S.A. over his home and over anywhere else he had ever been (which was a lot, he named them all).
There are obvious reasons to staying in the U.S., family here, friends, freedom-- the 3 F's.

In other news, I'm watching Sex in the City and I'm mad at Carrie for letting Aidan go.

money$money$money$

It amazes me how much stupid mother-fucking shit people will do for money.

harder, better, faster, stronger

Discussing comparative advantage today, I got to thinking. The concept in itself makes sense. A company that can make a product faster, better, and/or cheaper than the rest will be more successful. Better, faster, cheaper. We all want to be successful, no? There is so much push to be better, faster, cheaper. Stronger. Better. And this is where I feel things go from being black and white to gray. It gets a little confusing. There are so many choices, shopping for anything gets frustrating. Which brand do you choose? But then again, shouldn't everyone have a chance to be successful?

Which is better... black and white, or just a whole lotta gray?

colors

My room has beige walls and beige carpet. I like my room but I hate the color beige.
I see beige and think.. why be beige? Why not just be white? Or brown? or any other color but beige.

gag.

yo baby

Whenever a baby is born, it is custom to ooh, aah, and praise said babies for being so gosh darn cute.
Hate to say it, but a lot of newborns aren't all that cute.
Chances are, your baby is ugly. Sorry about it.

who I want to be

I am becoming who I want to be. I wasn't happy with you.

Now, I'm free.

drizizunk.

more tomorrow.

We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

you aren't you, the one I know
or knew, I guess
in your glasses and your sweater vest

is there such a thing as happily distracted? because that's what I think I am.

This is getting too personal.

are you there, universe?

"Hand me more cash, Universe!"

Are you there, Universe? It's me, Danielle. That poor college student...

Things would be so much easier if the Universe would just hand me some cash. Not a lot. I'm not greedy. But just enough...

smoke

Normally, you don't notice your own scent, but right now I can smell myself. I smell like cigarette smoke. Smoking is offensive to all five senses and harmful to your health. And yet I continue to smoke.
I've "tried" to quit, but never really tried. I mean, I know I'm polluting my body with harmful chemicals, and I've known someone that died of lung cancer.

I'm about to go out for another.

your heaven

Is the cost of your happiness here on Earth, and your heaven later on the misery of someone else?

Is this the way the world works?

Blake

More thoughts on William Blake.

A man who naturally tied himself down to nothing. Developed his own mythology. Saw ghosts as an everday reality. Must make own philosophy and religion or we become enslaved by others. Believed art depicts not physical reality but spiritual reality. Creates something that will never be created again. Saw no limit to creativity. You never make what you have in mind. Free love.

We study this man of the past to learn from him? To learn how to create ourselves? A man who had no training and is more magnificent than we will ever be. This is what I want to be. Free of trying to be what everyone else is, or was, or wants.

Me.

anxious.

anxious.

Proverbs of Hell

Here a few proverbs from Blake's proverbs of hell.

Improvement makes strait roads, but the crooked roads without Improvement are roads of Genius.
Exuberance is Beauty.
The apple tree never asks the beech how he shall grow, nor the lion the horse, how he shall take his prey.
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.

Think about it.

rainbow of happiness

Candy makes people happy. This is what I learned today.

Can't get out of bed late to work bike to work and die because cigarettes cloud lungs and mind yelled at for slouching yelled at for not being happy and hungover late to Senate meeting see ex spill hot cider on new white shirt that is hand wash only Little Africa closed when it's supposed to be open.

And then things turn around.

Try to make other dinner plans but nothing sounds good when you've been dreaming about Little Africa all day but owner returns and we are his first customers of the night eat great food and drink great tea in great company overwhelmed with homework at library but oh wait Steph's brought a frozen coke an extra large packet of skittles milk duds and a giant piece of laffy taffy and everything is well great dandy silly because when's the last time I've had candy and I've got a bit of a sugar buzz.

No matter what goes wrong, it can be made better. There's a silver lining somewhere.

over-easy

I'm not easy, but there are things that are harder.

Hairy

Alright, time for a real post. I just needed something to post and a commercial about hair loss was on t.v. I'm not actually balding for all you concerned folks out there.
However, I will be chopping off my beautiful locks in a mere 2-3 weeks. All of it, or at least ten inches.

And then I really will be bald.

I don't remember the last time I cut my hair. All through Ireland I just let it grow and grow, rarely washed, no brushing or anything remotely close to proper grooming.

Now that I've revealed that, wouldn't you want to wear my hair on your head?

Grocery list

4 my BS 200 class, we have to pick 4 companies to invest a fictitious $200,000 in. This is problematic for 2 reasons. 1: I know nothing about the stock market. Nothing. I do not understand it. 2: If I had that sum of money, I would not invest it. I am not a gambler. I don't even play the lottery.

So, after some guidance from my younger brother, I decided on my 4 stocks. Pepsi Co., Target, Spartan Stores, & Google. I am not expecting to make any "money" whatsoever, but who knows. Maybe I will become a millionaire.

free-dom to do, freedom to choose

Well yesterday was a pretty cool day. Mom and I were looking at a few houses around the area for her and dad to possibly buy. Afterward we stopped at my old place of employment, The Fare, to pick up a six pack. Beth decided on BL Lime, which she prefers over Miller Chill. Not as much lime.

We brought the beer back to my house and drank, where else but on the porch. A few people called me while we were out there. "What are you doing?" "Oh, just on the front porch, drinking beers with my mom."

Later, much much later, after a bike ride downtown yelling "Sláinte" the whole way, I ended up back on my front porch, with different people. A late-night phone call to Gino's went something like this:
"I have a coupon, I would like a pizza with extra cheese and onion."
"Okay."
"When will it be ready?"
"When can you get here?"
"I can literally see you from my front porch as we speak."
"If you come now, you might not need your coupon. A drunk, rich guy is here buying everyone food."

Immediately I hang up the phone and Jessie, Marcie and I book it across the parking lot to Gino's, where said rich man paid for our pizza. Nothing like sharing the wealth.

We devoured the pizza like lions. It was the best tasting thing I've ever experienced, and more importantly a great night spent with the people I love.

revelation

Last night in my Romantic Lit class I came upon 2 realizations.
1. Just how inter-connected we all are. To learn the Romantic writers, I must study elements of history and philosophy and governement to fully understand the writing of that time. First I must learn about the French Revolution and what was going on during that time in Britain. I must learn about Rosseau, a philosopher. I must learn about government and hierarchy and monarchy religion. This is all for an English class. To study history, you need language, you study influential authors, the same language and authors I study. We are all connected.
2. To be remembered and considered great, you don't have to be original. We were reading Alexander Pope's "Windsor Forest" and all he did was mimic and suck up. He was completely unoriginal in his work. He didn't write for himself, he wrote to please Queen Ann and make money. Why am I studying someone who was completely unoriginal in his thought and work? That is a question to which there is no answer.

Teeth

Yesterday I got to thinking about my teeth, which I don't normally do. Consider the importance of teeth. Teeth influence how people perceive you, how you speak, how your voice sounds, how you eat, and help you display emotions. Teeth are used frequently. While at work, a coffeeshop mind you, I realized how often I really consider what I put in my mouth and how well I take care of them based on their importance in my life. Come to find out, not very. Some days I don't even brush my teeth before going to bed because I'm not home where my toothbrush lives or I'm just too lazy. I never floss. On my once a year visit to the dentist, I am told to start flossing, but I simply brush off the advice as a nuisance.
If I'm not careful, I may end up like George Washington. Except nowadays, we're a bit more advanced than wood. However, there's not excuse because we have toothbrushes and dental floss.

conspiracy theory

Whenever I am at the beach, I have this strange suspicion that we are being watched. Aliens from another galaxy are looking down on all of us humans at the beach, baking away in our Earth-oven. And they laugh. How stupid are we, to see global warming occurring and do nothing. Naively, we allow the temperature to increase and thus prepare ourselves for them. We relish in it, love it, flock to the beach and strip off our clothes and the aliens watch and wait, gradually increasing the temperature until we're all crisp and ready to eat.

complain

When I am at work, I complain the whole time, even when I have nothing to complain about. How annoying.

torn

I am torn between the desire to be well-known when I get older, or having close friends and being successful on a small scale. I don't think one is necessarily more important than the other. I think I can still make my "mark" either way.

This is a rather vain post.

let's play dress-up, so we can pretend

I went to mass today. I always want to go, but then when I get there I feel like I am pretending. I put on church clothes and say the words and pretend to be a good Catholic girl. What's worse is I think everyone around me is pretending, too. No one is happy like they pretend to be in church. If they were, they wouldn't be there. Maybe people go to church because it offers them different things, whether it be a sense of belonging, or purpose, or whatever. Lately for me it's been a way for me to focus my attention on something besides the break-up, a fill for the space that I have in my life. Do I go because I think it brings me closer to God? Not really. After I get out of mass, I'm still doing the same things I've been doing, partying and cussing. I don't think you need an institution to worship. If I wanted God in my life, I think I could do it on my own. I think the act of going to church is a reassuring tradition to me that I've been doing since birth. If nothing else, it calms me. I don't know what it is for the rest of the congregation that sit in the pews. Does anyone listen to the words anymore, or is it merely tradition that still brings people to Catholic mass? It can't be the cantors, the music, the spirit of a Catholic mass, nor the boring priest in croc's. I can't take anyone seriously that wears crocs.

forget-me-nots, tequila shots

I forgot to write in my blog yesterday. Well, I did think about it at one point, when playing waterfall and we had to rhyme words with dog. Someone said blog and I remembered then, but it was too late. What is the punishment for not writing in the blog for a day? I say, forgive and forget, live and let live, and only the good die young.
Yesterday I went to the Fulton Street Farmer's Market with my mom. It is nice going places with mom because she buys me food, whereas I would simply not eat otherwise. She bought me a melon, corn, and blueberries. The Farmer's Market is one of the coolest things we've got around here, in my opinion. The farmer's make 100% of the profit, and it's not like the produce was shipped halfway across the country or world. It makes mefeel better about what I'm eating. I'm always impressed when I go there, even during the week, and there are a ton of people and vendors selling not only produce but honey, bread, and jewelry. My favorite is the Hungarian woman who makes pastries and sells them. Pretty delish.
Then, I ate at Wege this morning for brunch. The eggs taste like butter and my stomach hurts. So much for that.

imagination station

I am madly in love with Jean Jaques Rousseau. When sitting by a lake in Switzerland he had the realization that emotions are first- we feel before we think. By nature, human beings are born equal, and society is organized to deny this true nature.
How has this belief, though of some 3 centuries ago, affected our entire life as Americans? We have the idea that all men are created equal. We're still struggling, but are more advanced than other nations. Democracy isn't inevitable as may well believe and take for granted.
I feel it is important to be an artist. Studying art means not only studying English, but history and politics. We are all inter-related, and I don't think many others studying other disciplines see that.
I love Rousseau because you can trace him down the line and see how his thoughts influenced others, through history like the French Revolution and through English like the Romantics in England or the Transcendentalists in the U.S. He believed that one day the ideal world would exist.

The difference between myself and history majors or political science majors is that I believe change takes imagination. Nothing exists today that was not imagined.

I know nothing about politics

What bothers me about the current campaign for U.S. President are the ads produced by Obama attacking McCain and McCain attacking Obama. It is an illogical fallacy, ad hominem, to shift focus from the real issue and attack the personal qualities of an opponent instead. I understand that we do need to know the personal qualities of who we elect President, but I feel that this is a majority of what we hear, completely overlooking what is truly important: the policies of the candidates. It annoys me that what people will remember about the campaign is that McCain has ten houses and Obama was friends with a U.S. terrorist who bombed the Pentagon in the '70s. People will base their vote not on who they want, who is the most qualified, but which candidate they dislike the most.

(according to wikipedia: ad hominem consists of replying to an argument or factual claim by attacking or appealing to a characteristic or belief of the person making the argument or claim, rather than by addressing the substance of the argument or producing evidence against the claim.)

you were always on my mind

Today I had my first Snickers bar since Ireland. I was at Meijer and it was only $0.52, so I bought it. In Ireland, I would go across to Brian's every day and buy a Snickers bar for 0.95. Every day without fail. A Snickers bar and a coke. The Snickers bars here pale in comparison. Then, when I arrived at work, my boss told me that Joel had left a c.d. for me. I had to wait until I was shunned to the back room to wash all 14 airpots and every other possible item in the store before I could listen to it. It was Adele's c.d. and "bonus" songs... more Adele. A vivid scene in my mind is the first time I saw her "Chasing Pavements" music video. Jessie, Francine, and I were sitting in the Subway in Galway at about 9 p.m right before going out, enjoying tuna subs with corn. The next day, the worst hangover of my life, as we were walking around the city with nowhere to go, we bought Now 69 and her song was on it. That was my train of thought as I washed dishes for two hours. Everything reminds me of Ireland lately. It's haunting me.